Accepting that I’m MOld-less
The first question out of my friend Geoff's mouth — who is an incredible life/business coach, by the way (learn more here) — after I found the courage to ask him how to keep myself accountable for the things I'm really scared of doing?
He said, "well, is this something that you're actually passionate about?"
…GEOFF. You're asking me the question that I've been asking myself for months now. My answer was, "I guess… I mean, I'm passionate about my why: I want to help save the planet from the serious consequences of fast fashion by upcycling already incredible, slightly worn fashion and making it more fun! I also really like designing a way to share the messages with others that helped me heal and grow." He felt that genuineness. I do speak with passion when I talk about my why because I deeply want to help this wonderful planet. I just am REALLY good at setting up my own tripping lines on my journey to keep my head afloat because of belief systems that we'll unpack together next.
But I had a fantastic takeaway from that chat: put my money into opportunities instead of resources, because lord knows I will just keep preparing and preparing and preparing instead of taking the scary action of the leap. BRILLIANT! Thanks Geoff!
Luckily, I had therapy AND that chat with Geoff in one day, so I had a lot of things to think and feel about afterwards. The main goal: figure out where the hell these blocking belief systems live and start digging up the roots (gently). Here's what I uprooted:
I felt like my business wasn't “valid enough” because I don't have a strict mission statement or a five-year plan attached, the kind I was so used to upholding at Google. That it lacks purpose because it's not CrAzY aMBiTiOuS sounding enough to succeed. But I am ensuring that Soft Soul is a vehicle that allows slow, tactile, intentional living to be sustainable rather than just a hobby. I'm seeing that passion isn't just a single noun, it's more of a pattern of what you keep choosing, especially when no one is making you.
My flow state isn't tied to one craft, it's tied to the freedom to move between crafts. Which I categorized as a "lack of focus", instead of accepting it as a part of who I am right now. It's not a deficiency but the actual engine of the business.
Soft Soul isn't something that fits a static category. Instead, I'm building a body of work that fits the exact life I want to live: slow, intentional, caring, loving, real.
I was feeling the weight of the justification that I didn't have to give anyone. Removing the requirement to need validation means that I'm the authority on whether what I'm doing is "enough." Which is ultimate freedom but also vertigo: both can be true at once.
That being an artist in the way that I deeply want to be is going to ensure that I lose my footing and float off into some fantastical world where I'm surrounded by art and not financial stability.
I keep having to go back to remembering how absolutely shattered I felt when I finally decided to take a mental health leave from my work at Google. How utterly empty I was, personally and professionally, and how I had no idea who I was at that time either. My rock bottom was all but expected, really. I thought that I had everything, but it was a holographic illusion that I just forced myself to keep seeing to not 'lose it' and feel the hit of rock bottom.
When I finally surrendered and S P L A T T E R E D … there was the smallest part of peace that came with it. That I had finally said, "I can't anymore, I need help." THIS, what I'm choosing right now to do with my work, IS the help that I've been asking for. To stay aligned with my soul and heart, even though terrifying, is what is going to continue to guide me on the path I'm deeply destined for. Following flow is how I continue to figure out what my passion is. Because, for me, to say that “one thing is our passion, and will be our passion, forever”… is just a way to build our own prison. Freedom in flow is where my passion lies right now.
In flow, labels can't stick anyway. The jostling, the up and down, the side to side — the current will not allow it. Soft Soul gets to just be a reflection of who Quentin is right now. And that's genuinely all it has to be.
Underneath the belief systems is also the codependency pattern of justifying what I'm doing to someone to get their validation — and that being the thing that 'activates' my belief system… but only temporarily. I felt embarrassed that my business didn’t have a mold to fit into. I'm starting to see that the not-fitting might be the whole point of the lesson that I keep getting dropped kicked by.
I have a very real fear of falling back into any pattern that gets me stuck in the same trap that kept me miserable at Google for a decade. Accepting the flow fully, even when it's terrifying, is the only way I know how to make sure that doesn't happen.
Soft Soul doesn't need permission to be what it is. I give it that permission and that is enough. Even though, goddamn, it’s the hardest thing sometimes because I'm still only 3.5 years out from learning how to see, love, trust, and care for myself. So, it feels like just yesterday when I splattered on rock bottom, and that fear is still alive and real in my body. But I can use that fear as fuel if I remember to, instead of, fumes that just keep me high on the illusions of comfort that I'm still way too good at building for myself.
I'd rather die than go back to those illusions again. So, here’s to showing up, raft ready, to jump in and start going with the flow!
