the ache of uncertainty to the relief of stillness
What's up with uncertainty being one of the MOST uncomfortable feelings in the world? We've all had that unknown feeling wash over us in a doctor's waiting room, or in a parked car outside your mom's house, or even at your desk at work waiting to get called into the bosses office to chat about 'how you responded to Larry's email yesterday.' The way that our brain takes hold of these small bread crumbs of possibilities and, instead of being positively curious, tries to create an entire Golden Corral buffet of negativity, pessimism and catastrophe. Everything is sprinkled with some high level, catastrophic aspect of doom weaved in so perfectly, that it actually can’t be like scraped off like burntness off a piece of toast with a butter knife. In fact, thinking more deeply into the details of "how do I eliminate the pieces of pain" is actually what's going to make it WORSE. The only way of feeling less of the ache of uncertainty is to clearly see the ache, sit with it and accept it.. FULLY.
Well, why does our brain immediately turn to negativity when in the free-falling sensation of uncertainty? From my understanding, (disclaimer: I'm not a licensed mental health professional at all, just someone really interested in psychology and behaviors) from what I've read and researched: our brain perceives uncertainty as a threat to our future safety, thus igniting the flame of anxiety [future-based fear], which causes all these chemicals to spill out in our brain/body, to have us wanting to generate all the possible solutions to safety immediately [worrying], which does nothing but spin us in circles, until we find an external action to take that can release the anxiety valve. WHEW!
For example: someone in the uncertainty of an elbow injury from being a sick-ass-skater hears the doctor say "hm, I don't like that popping, we might have to get an MRI to assess if surgery is needed." That someone also happened to only make it to this appointment 15 minutes early because his 5th house showing got randomly cancelled that morning. Cuz apparently people are just renting places without even seeing them now? I mean, we are all just on "auto-fear-pilot" mode living in America nowadays. So the skater guy gets home, asks Google 'how long does it take to recover from MCL elbow surgery,' sees '6-12 months,' … nearly vomits… and just like that, the negativity bias switch transforms into a fucking gas pedal that floors my sanity car right into a brick wall of shutdown. FUCK! 🤦
While no, I don't think I'm going to need surgery, it's the timing of hearing those words that sent me skidding. I was already in the middle of taming my wild-ass-mind through an incredibly brutal rental search… also, free tip for my kid-free friends: do not let your lease end in May/June. People graduate, they need places, and their parents are apparently just renting apartments sight unseen. It's wild out here in these streets, y’all!
So hearing "possible surgery" on top of all of that was like someone kicking your knees out from behind, it doesn't hurt exactly, but you can't help but fall… and I fell. Multiple times this week. I cried hard, I begged my Spirit Team to guide me, I screamed in my car, I cursed out everyone (under my breath) who'd ever wronged me because it all just felt like too much. Too many decisions, too little time, too many fearful people colliding into each other, too much information, too much change… and then I returned to stillness.
I probably stopped daily meditations last March because I just “had too much going on.” I needed time back. It was a new season for me, in a new place, replanting myself. Not realizing, each day I was getting yanked out of my body and into my head, without replanting my spirit in my body. It was slowly draining my soul and ensuring I’m just going to float around ungrounded. It now makes total sense why I'm in an absolute tizzy this week. But I'm grateful, because the tizzying got so dizzying that I collapsed, and luckily fell back into stillness (instead of panic). I fell back into my meditation with so much understanding of why I'm someone who just can't not make time for it. No matter how much I want to speed up my mornings, it takes a toll on me that is so granular, so easy to miss, but adds up over time. Like when you're playing Jenga and the tower has just turned into what looks like a twig pile that's barely balancing, on some block that no one can point out. Something so unstable that a misplaced breath could take down the whole tower… and it does. Thank GOD!
Not quite what my inner world looks like, but SUPER close with a lot more colored flowers and a river. :)
Returning to stillness felt like floating on a cloud back into this beautiful inner world that I'd forgotten to visit, one that brings me so much joy when I do. The grass is a little overgrown, there are cobwebs in the corners of the windows, but it's just as magical and peaceful as I left it. Today, I actually forgot to do my morning meditation, but I did it at 4pm instead, and it felt hypnotic. It was the exact break I needed in my workday to come back to myself and figure out how I wanted to round out the last few hours of work. It’s those moments when the tools you’ve been crafting really come through for you, in ways you don’t expect, that feel fucking magical, man.
But with each showing that got cancelled, and each showing that resulted in a place that didn't resemble the photos, I was guided right into the spot I was meant to be at. While we still have some paperwork to get through, I'm grateful that my Spirit Team built out this obstacle course for me over the last couple of weeks because it reminded me of what's important to me. That maybe the things I thought were important, aren't anymore, because I’m not that version of me anymore. Maybe the secret rigidity of who I think I am is a hindrance to the flow of the light that I actually am. Maybe there will be surgery, maybe there won’t. But as long as I have my home of stillness to lean on daily again, I think that I’ll be a little more malleable to ‘go with the flow’ moving forward. May you be blessed with compassionate stillness today, my friends!
Stay soft,
Quentin
