Learning how to fill my own cup
Who knew that one hour on a Tuesday morning at a skate park would have my cup overflowing with joy, gratitude, grief and hope all in one?!
I've been going to this skatepark for at least a month now, showing up in skates that were for urban freestyling and two sizes too big for me. But TODAY.. today was going to be different!
I've been waiting for these skates since I first decided to try skating again back last December. I've always loved skating growing up — mostly around my childhood neighborhood and the local skating rink — and when that freakin' Disney movie Brink came out in 1998 (I was 8), I knew not only that I wanted to do that kind of trick skating, but also that I wanted to be a cool skater boi. Today, a lot of those aspirations finally clicked.
I'd been eyeing these green and lavender Echo Verve skates since December but was scared to dive in headfirst into tricking without trying regular rollerblades again first. So I got some FRX 80's — too tight, had to size up — then it turned out those were actually two sizes too big because I have wide feet and FRX skates run narrow. But I was beyond ready to commit, so I just rode in them anyway.
I started skating trails around town but got bored fast. I also ate shit HARD, just once, and got some gnarly road rash on my inner forearm from slamming without pads..OUCH! So I dropped my ego real quick. I mean, "looking cool for others" is totally against my codependency recovery anyway right? Right. :high fives myself:
Then, of course, I fell down a rabbit hole of aggressive skating on YouTube — Ricardo Lino, ThisIsSoul, Flower She Rolls(and many more, lmk if you want links!) — and it was like the 8-year-old in me was watching Brink all over again, fire reignited, no parents to tell me no, money to buy whatever pair of skates I wanted?! I trusted my intuition, researched aggressive skates, drove an hour to the skate shop in Denver to test the fit before ordering, and then [patiently..?] waited 18 days for my skates to arrive. I stopped skating entirely during that wait. It sucked, but made we made it!
They arrived yesterday, on 4/20 and I couldn't stop wearing them just around my apartment. Comfortable, beautiful, perfect fit — I finally understood what "locked in" actually meant for a skate fitting. It was like the Echo Verve’s were built for my feet. No pain, no break-in period, even after 1.5 hours at the park with 18 days of not skating! When I jumped, the skates came WITH me, who knew that was supposed to happen?! The clips in this post are from today — my first time stalling a soul grind, locking into a grind (here and there) and practicing stepping into a one-foot grind. Not perfect at all, but I'm really happy with where I'm at, and I know that if I just keep showing up, the skills will come. Consistency over intensity.
Then, when I got home this morning, I broke down in tears.
I felt like I had actively picked up the pitcher, looked at my cup, and took action to fill it up myself. Without asking permission. Without needing someone there to help me pour. Without regret, hesitancy or resentment. It felt like I'd finally gotten a big reward on a major quest.
Since starting codependency recovery in January 2023, I've been on a mission to find what I actually love — what fills my cup without being attached to someone or something outside of myself. I remember genuinely feeling like I was never going to find it, as I’d given up everything about myself to please everyone else, so I only saw options of things that deal with others to some capacity. Since then I've tried:…:inhale: painting, rock tumbling, tarot/oracle reading, meditation, weightlifting, calisthenics, rock hounding, wood working to make rings, making jewelry, life coaching, candle making, content creation, Twitch streaming, DJing, mountain biking, illustration, graphic design, sewing, tie-dyeing, singing in a band, pottery making, guitar building, hiking, riding a motorcycle, photography... you fucking name it… and that's just the last three years.
Some of those things still fill my cup in different ways. But today, feeling aggressive inline skating click — it felt like I could finally exhale. But, I think I could've gotten here sooner, if I'd been more honest with myself about what I wanted as a kid, because it wasn't just “adult Quentin" who needed this to click. “Little Quentin” needed it too.
What a misconception we carry into adulthood — that the things we loved as children are immature, childish, or “not something a grown person should be doing.” That's just not true. Adults are just bigger children with more frontal lobe development and responsibility. It's a choice to decide that what you loved as a kid is somehow beneath you now. I choose to believe that aggressive skating is going to change my entire life — the way I relate to movement, to my body, to my inner child, to courage, to fear, to joy, to risk, to pain.. I could go on.
I share all of this because I want you to find your thing, if you haven't yet. It's possible at any age, any health status, any zip code, any situation. You CAN make time for the things that fill you up — and honestly, you might not make it too much longer if you don't. I'm not trying to be dramatic. But also, yeah, I kind of am. The world right now is S-T-R-U-G-G-L-I-N-G, baby — but you don't have to let it take you down too. You can opt-in to caring for yourself with play and joy. You can schedule joy into your life, right now if you wanted to!
Find something your inner child would love. Find something that's just for YOU — not something to do with someone, not something to drag a friend into, just you and the thing. Taking the time to do that work changes everything about how you move forward with confidence, love and care in yourself.
All you need is one sweet little chat with your inner child to find out your next move. 🛼💜
Be well friends,
Quentin
